Tuesday 30 October 2007

Backrow Battles

Any illusions that I can breeze through the treatment are gone... I knew I had been lucky so far but the latest round has taken its toll. I had a new Chemotherapy on Saturday, I did not like it one bit. Went into a cold sweat mid way through the injections. This one was directly into muscles and gave me 2 dead legs to remind me of it after. Did not feel good for rest of evening. I missed Ronan's stag... although had plenty of photo updates and managed to implement a few fines and a no hands soup. I'm pretty gutted to be missing out on the banter, Saturday nights are going to be dull for awhile yet and I'm going to be such a lightweight when I get back on it. I will need to think of some ways to distract myself for the coming weekends.

Temperature is high. Risen above 37d for the first time, it continues to rise and I barely have the energy to move. I can't sleep but can't keep my eyes open, its a complete limbo. Gums have started bleeding (this is a normal side effect which I knew would come). It feels like I've been in a drunken brawl and come out second best.. Temperature keeps rising. You can feel the pressure of the drugs building in your system but the is very little you can do about it. However I manage to find a way of cheating my way out of it.. normally I never drink any caffeine but find that I can wake myself up for around 2 hours then sleep using it. Using this I manage to enjoy Bristol vs Llanelli then pass out. Temperature is now 37.8. I phone the hospital if it rises once more I will have to be admitted tonight and given antibiotics to get rid of any infection asap. Defiantly made right decision not to pop into Ronan's or Dirty's party.

While I may feel like crap... this is good. I've managed to get through 3 weeks of chemotherapy without feeling that bad. I've got momentum on my opposite number the treatment is hurting both me and the disease. My swollen jaw just reminds me that when I'm playing well the opposition always get a few punchs in as you disrupt and steal ball. I'm in for a fight but everytime I feel bad it is hurting the disease more. Seeing the fight in these terms makes it a lot easier for me to deal with.

Tempreture falls and manage to avoid hospital for the night. I am in tomorrow for more chemotherapy, wake up feeling a lot better. I get a full check over by a consultant in the hospital... I don't trust him. His favorite phrase is self-diagnoises. I think he is blagging and does not know what he is talking about, he has not told me anything useful anytime he has seen me.
I actually trust the junior doctors and nurses more than him. My consultant is not back from holiday yet, I'm still awaiting test results but the is no way I'm going to discuss them with the stand in consultant.

Thursday 25 October 2007

Proud Of Friends \ Chemo Mullet

Its now 5:00 am on Friday morning. The drugs I am on have completely confused my body clock. I cannot sleep for more than 2 hours in a row. I know I will be knackered later but trying to sleep is futile so have decided to get up.

Yesterday I was taken back by my friends generosity... A group had got together and gone and got me a xbox 360... Its a unbelievable gift, one that will help me pass the time over the next few weeks. AJ popped it round on Wednesday night.. Thursday morning I put on a OB's tour shirt to head to hospital, I've never been so proud to put on a rugby shirt... a club and friends who do that bit extra for each other. I will owe more than a few beers to people when I'm through this.

Wibbles and Emma came down during the week, plans for celebrations are already underway. Stock car racing at his parents will be hilarious. Its good to see them and I am glad to show them that I still look well.

This week has seen a few more side effects kick in. None that bad... Wake up each morning with pains in joints from where toxins build up, legs are tired most of the time and have a mild hangover (this could be just withdrawal symptoms from not drinking for 4 weeks now). I'm still eating like a horse, have not had any sickness and have been turning down the anti-sickness drugs, also my hair is the longest it has been for 10 years. Its almost a mullet now. I was expected to lose it last week. I could be the first Chemo patient with a mullet!!

I have still been asking if I can do any work from home. But am starting to realise that its not going to happen. Everything is now revolving around blood counts, how I'm feeling. Any work I got given would be deadline driven and I can't guarantee I can meet any?? Its frustrating and makes me feel slightly useless but I need to find other things to occupy me.

Hospital has me booked in for the whole of Thursday, I'm due 2 units of blood, ambazone, platelets and Chemotherpy. Its going to be a long day. This is not helped when the my body seems reluctant to give a blood sample. Despite last weeks operation the tubes from my chest won't allow the nurses to get a sample. I have to pump the opposite arm and breath deeply to get blood to flow... I'm sat in the middle if the ward doing a water pump impression until they have enough blood. I'm hoping this clears up otherwise I might be in for another operation.

The remainder of the treatments go well, just plug in and wait. Read all of Jono Lomu's autobiography in a day. Will be in need of more books again soon. I see Merv, who was admitted shortly after I was diagnosed, he had been in isolation since the 8th October and only just been allowed out. That's what I thought was going to happen to me. Thank God it didn't I would have gone insane. He is getting through the treatment quite well and has also gone a bit OCD. Also see Karl on my way in.. he is attached to a drip sat outside the hospital smoking a fag. Feel like giving him a slap for been so stupid.

Weekend is coming up, Sarah is doing a houseparty and its Ronan's stag. I would like to make a token appearance to both, but however the closer the time gets I realise its not a good idea. The will be other party's, going along will just be putting myself at risk, I've been lucky so far and want to be able to remain at home for as much of the treatment as possible. Picking up a silly infection would be a big set back. For the moment I still need to be "bubble boy". I'm not liking the isolation this causes. I crave been able to head out, not worry if who I talk to has a cold, not worry if glasses would be clean. Having a relaxing social night out seems months away.. Bugger.

Monday 22 October 2007

The local..

I should know better by now. I am due in for a checkup at the hospital I think they will just be putting me on a drip for antibiotics and perhaps some platelets. This should mean I'm home for lunch. In a scary way all the nurses greeted me in and I recognised the majority of the patients in the ward. The ward in a strange way resembles a local pub... You walk in and are greeted by nurses who all know your name, start chatting to others in the same situation, but instead getting a nice drink you get hooked up to another drip.

Blood count results are not good. Haemoglobin count is down to 6, normal is between 14 and 17. But I feel fine?? It is decided that I need a further 2 units of blood on top of what I was due that day. I'm now booked into the hospital for the day.

I've made a start on Lance Armstongs book. I can relate to his experiences so clearly. In fact I've nearly finished it already. Also made a slow start on learning Spanish. Must make use of this time waiting.

As the week progresses I still don’t get used to not working. I am still able to wonder round without any difficulty so pop out to get lunch when I’m at home. However feeling very OCD, I walk into Somerfield and its crowded and quite a few people who look ill to me. I end up leaving quite quickly. For the rest of the week I am in and out of hospital and the nurses start to run out of spaces in my arm to put needles in. I will need an operation to put a permanent line into my chest by the end of the week.

Second round of Chemo is on Thursday. I am expecting to have more side effects this time, but am relaxed about the process itself. Still no side effects.. Maybe I should ask them to increase the dose?? I may need to get a haircut after all.

Friday morning and I arrive early into hospital for the operation. It does not really feel like they can do much more to me so surprisingly not that worried about it. I don’t think the guy in the bed has been in hospital much, after been asked what he wants for breakfast he requests croissants and jam. He is actually surprised when they laugh at him. I am on nill by mouth until operation is over, the talk of food is making me very hungry. Bizarrely the treatments are making me more hungry rather than less? I eventually am wheeled of to surgery at 10:30.

During the surgery I will have local atheistic and should be able to feel the tubes been passed into my chest. After a few initial prods the procedure is fairly painless, spent most of it talking about wine & rugby. Before I know it I’m all done… But now I have a permanent tube coming from my chest. This will be with me until the treatments over. It’s the first physical mark the disease has had on me… However when it is removed it will be a huge milestone. For now I will just have to learn to live with it.

Will “King Of Lao” comes round for rugby complaining he has not had enough mentions in my blog, France play Argentina in the 3rd place play off in the world cup. It turns out to be a great game and with Will supporting France its hilarious to watch them fall apart with PTB & Whittle.

Helen is down for the weekend, after a brief trip to the hospital its good to get some Fresh air and head up to OB’s to watch the 3rd XV vs St Marys. It’s a typical 3 XV fixture comedy to watch at points but very entertaining. Rob The Tan scores a 70 m try, followed by Monty. I’m glad to see quite a few of the team but just wish I could be out there on the pitch. Also in a way glad to show my face so people see that I’m not on deaths door. Unfortunately can’t stick around to socialise as aware of infection risks. Also is a shame I can’t watch the world cup final with the team..While I have been lucky with treatment to date, some side effects are taking effect.. sleeping patterns are all over the place and ending up sleeping throughout afternoon. I know that this will get worse and am starting to realise how much of a long haul this will be.

Monday 15 October 2007

Working Week

Waking in my own bed on a Monday morning, I feel like I should be heading to work. Instead I have a new routine. Wake up, take tempreture, take drugs, and plan the day. I make a pact to myself I will not watch any daytime TV.

Instead I contact the national blood service to get something moving on arranging some kind of promotion. Also vow to get this blog up to date. I'm hoping the next few weeks will have less surprises and that now that the worse case scenerios have made themselves known more postive news will follow. Hopefully I can keep up good form and battle through this in no time. Start looking at different Spanish courses and send a few queries to tutors in Bristol. A list of things I want to do when this is over starts to take shape. Inca Trail, Dubai Sevens, Bullrun, Be able to speak at least Spanish, Possibly rugby coaching badge.

As it is the working week I also become aware that I am going to be out of the loop at work for 6 months. When I come back I will be effectively starting a new job.. I do not want to stay out of the loop. In fact if the is any work I can do while I am at home I want to do it. Worse thing I can do is sit on my arse all day. I need to be doing something. If I don't then all this time will be wasted.

Sunday 14 October 2007

Escape From Ward 62

I'm up early. The ward was quite last night. Only me & Uri are in the room. He was diagnoised in Peru. The is no national blood bank or transfussion service there. You rely on friends, or paying someone in the street to help you. To get treatment your family have to sell everything they have.. I doubt I'll ever complain about the NHS again. In Peru he was given his last rights, they said he would die. He married his girlfriend while in a wheelchair borrowing a suit jacket from his best man and making do with whatever rings they could find. He has lived on and is in the UK now, those rings mean more to him and his wife than any diamond ever could.

I'm keen to get out of here. The standard observations and blood tests are done. While they take my blood pressure and other details I stare at the monitor hoping they are ok. They are and I'm released. Its such a relief.

Its good to be at home. A comfy sofa, my own bed and a bit of freedom. I'm not sure if it was the drugs, been up early of or just the sight of my own bed but I sleep for a few hours in the afternoon waking to watch the South Africa vs Argentina game. If Argentina had played like this against Scotland they could have beaten them. South Africa look strong I can't see England beating them, but all my predictions so far have been wrong.

Saturday 13 October 2007

Who's Betty

Best nights sleep yet. I don't wake when the nurses come round to replace my drip. The previous day when Charlie & Lexy had popped round we dressed up the stand in a old womens dress, red wig, Elton John glasses and a banana for a smile. I'd forgotten about this when I feel asleep, it had scared the nurse who came in the morning. But made me laugh although it did look a little worrying in the dark.

Still no real signs of symptoms of Chemo. People are planning on popping in throughout today. Proves to be quite a uplifting day. I promise to teach Uri the rules to rugby in time for the semi finals. Seen as he is from Peru and never seen the game before might be a challenge. He still reads through Rugby World and enjoys it.

Doctors come to see how I'm doing... They are surprised how well I'm responding. Body has not had any adverse reactions to the host of drugs they have put into it. No signs of infections, tempretures, blood pressure, oxygen levels are all normal. I may be able to go home tomorrow!! I had prepared to be in here for 3 weeks. What a result. Part of me thinks this is because they think I'm going mad in here. The is no pressure for beds so I am happy they are not clearing me out to make room for someone else. Going home, my own bed, can make my own way round. Small pleasures make such a big difference. I don't want to raise my hopes to much as they will still need to do blood tests before releasing me.

Somehow England beat France in a pretty poor game. My argument Scotland will go further than England is looking pretty poor at the moment.

Friday 12 October 2007

Reality Check

I have not slept again. Despite been tired the was no chance of sleep. Last night a man was brought in on Oxygen. One of the side effects of Chemo is your sense of smell is hightened. I smell the man coming before he even entered the room. He stinks of cigarettes..

His lungs are filling up with fluid. Nurses are desperatly trying to help him. He keeps trying to talk despite nurses trying to stop him from doing this. Each time he does this he chokes and takes another 5 min to recover. The choking is spine chilling, he is in trouble.. So far I've seen people at the tough stages of Chemo but not close to the edge. He has come out of Chemo and infection has taken him.

Even with sleeping pills I can't sleep. I try sleeping the the quiet room with no luck. Eventually he is taken to A&E at 5:00am. I ask the nurses if he is ok later in the morning, they can't tell me. But why was this man smoking?? He must have known the effects it could have.. he may not be able to control the leukaemia but smoking he can stop. Its a black and white decision, I don't understand. With this my resolve to get through the disease is strenghened. The stats lie. The stats include those who ignore advice, those who were unfit to start with, those who resign themselves to the worsed. I will do everything I can to be on the right side of these statistics.

I get a surprise visit from Bristol rugby, Andrew Blowers, Ben Sturnham and Geoff Moon pop in. Despite been a big club its good to see that they still value the community and the efforts I have put in at Bristol over the years. I think they are surprised to see that I'm in good spirits. They ask what the club can do for me. Bristol are in a position where this situation can be put to good use. I ask if we could do some kind of promotion for blood transfussions and doner services. I may not have given blood but this would go a long way to making up for it. It will also give me a good destraction to organise this.

Have lost all appite today, and am tired after last night. Visitors come in but I am drained and not much company. I am desperate for a goods night sleep.

Thursday 11 October 2007

Happy Chemo...

I have not slept. But feeling good. I want to get started. Just in case teh Chemo makes me feel sick I decide to eat as much as possible. It feels almost like a inmates last meal. First round of drugs arrive. The main drug is steroids.. tastes awful and I'm reminded my moods might go a bit funny.

I should know that if I'm told something will happen first thing then it won't. The Chemo is not ready. It won't be until lunch. Lunch passes, I eat as much as possible again. A time is set for 3:00. From 2:00 I am stomping up and down the ward getting ready for it. 3:00 passes. I'm getting stressed and annoyed with nurses. This is partly down to tension building and the steroids. I take myself out of the ward and go up and down the stairs several times. My legs still burn from lack of oxygen in the blood but I need to do something. They need something to relieve stress in here. This waiting comes to symbolise the effect Leukaemia will have on my life. Its unplanned, I can't control it, I just need to be patient and take care of what I can control.

Phone is filling up with messages of goodluck. I don't reply to any but take heart in the fact people are thinking of me. I'm turning visitors away as I want to know what treatment will do to me. It gets to 5:00 I am resigned to the fact it won't happen today so a few people arrange to pop in after work.

Just as Phil & Will arrive so does the Chemo. I did not really know what to expect. Its a series of injections. The build up does not match the treatment. It is no different from having a drip. Its painless and passes without incident. Now I've had the treatment its waiting for the sideeffects to kick in. The first does shortly after. Wee turns bright pink. They did not tell me about this... After checking with the nurse its normal, actually shows kidneys are working properly.

Charlotte pops in and brings a laptop. I'm connected to the outside world. Now I don't feel so isololated. I catch up on messages of support and whats been going on outside ward 62 for a few days. Makes me feel so much better.

Wednesday 10 October 2007

Waiting Game

Now I just need to wait for test results. As far as I know I don't have any more tests for today. A treatment timetable is passed to me but would only ever make sense to the person who wrote it. Most of it is irrelevant as depends on how my body reacts to treatment and results of tests.

Positive news is that Chemo starts tomorrow. Should be able to get started first thing tomorrow. Side effects are explained to me, mood swings, pins and needles, sickness, hair loss and of course no immune system for a few days (Just in case I was not going to go OCD on cleaning hands etc already). Nurses try to get me to read leaflets. I ask if the is anything extra in their other than what I've been told.. the isn't so I push aside and ignore. One of the nurses who I have been talking to quite a bit will be giving me the Chemo so will talk me through it.

Have a few more visitors, I don't think I can hide any excitement about starting treatment. The sooner it starts the sooner I can get back to normal and out of here. I have a few hours to myself after. This place is starting to drive me crazy. After losing a few hours reading and listening to music I head back into the room. It stinks of sweetcorn. Karl has had a stem cell transplant. It has the strange side effect of producing this smell. Its extremely strong. I'm keen to get a good nights sleep before tomorrow. A new patient arrives and snores like a broken exhaust pipe. I long for my own bed and a good nights sleep.

Tuesday 9 October 2007

I'm not a cripple, just a little paranoid..

After morning routine nurses sits down to go through plans for today. I am going to be busy today. Due a CT scan and have to go to Southmead for some further tests.

I have no idea what a CT scan is, nurses and doctors assume that I know about these things. Its a 3d xray of my internal organs to check my kidney and liver are still working. I may regret those extra jugs in Lizard lounge after today? To do this scan they make you drink various dyes which will show up on the Xray and then inject you with some radioactive liquid. I am brought a jug of orange juice containing the dyes. I'm told it will taste horrible and I have half an hour to drink it. Turns out it tastes exactly like one of Lizard Lounges jugs.

To head to the xray a hospital porter is sent to collect me. Despite still been perfectly able they insist that I go in a wheelchair. I'm not even allowed to help hold doors open. I have been stuck on this ward since Sat so would have appreciated the walk but insurance policies won't let me. The xray itself is a strange experience. A fluid is injected which sends a burning sensation into the veins. You are then passed through a donut shaped machine like paper through a photocopier. I've already been in the hospital to long, I actually quite enjoy it.

I am meant to wait for the porters to come back and collect me. I think visitors are waiting for me and the porter may take awhile. I decide to leg it, with a little help I find my way back to the ward.

This afternoon I am shipped off to Southmead. Taxi drops me at the wrong place and I wonder round the hospital searching for the right ward. Eventually get this sorted and tests done. However the is complete confusion over the taxi taking me back to the BRI. I end up waiting around reception for over an hour. The are so many diseased people about. I know my immune system is shot and don't want to be anywhere near them. I going a little OCD. I've never been so aware of each cough or splutter. I really don't want to be here.

Finally get back to the BRI. Charlie who has helped me deal with everything is been released today. In a strange way I think he is sad to go.. We have got on well over the past few days and he has helped me realised how to tackle the upcoming hardships. Once he is gone the ward falls silent.. Everyone left is in a self imposed isolation.

Monday 8 October 2007

Welcome Distractions

Hospital is no place for me, woken at 6:00 for routine observations. Once awake you may as well get up and wonder around. But the is nowhere to go. After 2 min you have said hello to all the nurses circled the ward and are back at square 1. Trouble is the doctors have told me this is to be my home for the next 3 weeks..

As I was first up the doctors decided to get all my tests out of the way. A further bone marrow is required. Think the doctor this time is more practiced and it is over quickly. As I know what is coming up even manage to read the sport in the paper for the majority of it. Following this another doctor wonders in to take blood. My arms are fast becoming pin cusions.

I get the first visitor of the day. Phil The Bear is waiting for me once I leave the treatment room. News is spreading fast through Bristol and beyond. We chat and tend to avoid conversation about the Leukaemia. Helen arrives she flys back to Glasgow today, Get a phone call from Australia from Weaver & Claire, followed shortly by a phone call from my Aunt. The rest of the day is a revolving door of visitors arriving and leaving. It is the best medicine I could have at the moment best distraction that I could have. I had planned to read papers and get through a few books but in the end I don't have the time.

I've had to cancel going to Dubai for the sevens, Rob The Tan comes in and has a plan to replace me on the tour. I will be there in spirit and amasing tour fines. I will have to make up for it next year when I can make it again.

Finish the day chatting to other patients, they are all quite jealous. The BRI centre is one of the main centres in the UK. People come from far and wide to be treated here (some have even relocated). As I only live a few miles away and most of my friends are close by I will have no shortage of support and distractions.

Sunday 7 October 2007

3 Pints Later

Last night I was given my first blood transfusion. I have a tube now attached to my left hand. It looks like I might have this for awhile. Its a strange feeling, the first bit of solution sends a cold feeling up into my veins. The first transfusion starts at midnight, it last 3 hours with this and the hospital noises I don't sleep and end up reflecting on what has happened.. Think for a few hours how grateful I am to whomever provided this blood without it people on this ward would never make it through their treatments.. Why have I never given blood??

Nurses come round at 6:00 to take blood pressure, temperature etc. This will come to form part of a daily routine. The next pint of blood is attached to me. The pump is plugged in to the wall, as the ward is full of long timers, not much is explained to me. I assume I'm bed bound. Until I see Colin wonder by attached to a drip. I know my parents will be flying in soon. I don't want them to see me with a bag of blood attached. I ask Iain to delay them, at least then I can present a healthy image. Unfortunately another bag is required this will take me up to 12:00.

Mum & Dad arrive, they seem to relieved to see that I actually still look well. They have been researching. I don't want to know. The are many types, possibilities and test results to come back. So much pf the information they are now talking about could be irrelevant it just serves to fuel uncertainty.

I tell my parents what has happened and what I know so far. I'm not expecting to find out much more today as the consultants are not expected to be in until tomorrow. So I am surprised when he turns up to see me. I ask to speak to him alone before speaking to my parents.. I want to be able to take in any bad news before telling Mum & Dad.

The is so much to take in. I have Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia (ALL). In all honesty I don't care what its called but just want to know how to get rid of it. I'm talked through the stages of treatment. I will be having Chemotherpy within the week. The initial treatment will take 8 weeks and get the leukaemia to remission. The is a 90% chance of been able to do this. Thats good right... Without further treatment it will come back and will be harder to get rid of. Long term survival rates are 50%.. How do I get on the right side of that stat.

The treatment options after remission will vary, Iain & Helen are going to be checked to see if they have a tissue match. Very thankful for having brother and sister right now.

Still so many unknowns, how I respond to treatment, infections, further tests etc. The doctors cannot tell how it will effect me, every treatment is different and all people react differently. The only thing to do is take each stage step by step.

I can take all this in. As I'd prepared for the worse most of this is expected. Its time to go through this with the parents. The research my Dad has done means he asks further questions. The doctors don't have answers yet... A few points clearly get to them, I just hold it together through this and am relieved that its over.

I'm taken for an xray and get a few hours break from parents, they come back later to watch rugby. My dad has been on the whiskey to calm his nerves. It will go down as the worse place that I will ever watch Scotland play rugby. We watch it in the quiet room. Scotland make far to many mistakes to cause Argentina any worries. They do manage a good try. Dad jumps up and celebrates and then realises where he is. A nurse comes in to see what is going on.. Most excitement on this ward for awhile. Scotland lose.. not my lucky weekend.

Saturday 6 October 2007

Facing Up..

Friday 6th October.

Weekend is here and apart from this flu that I seem to have I'm feeling good, a weekend of watching rugby and a a big night out planned after. If I can will make it to help with mini's training although still feeling a little run down. 2 drinks will probably make me feel better.. On way home & get a call from doctors, a little strange its 8:00 bit late. They say I may need some further tests done tomorrow on my Bone Marrow?? I have some ideas of what this might be, I push to the back of my mind. It can't be that bad.. I played rugby last week although incredibly badly (some might argue I do that every week).

Saturday 7th October.I'm up early, waiting for call from Soutmead Hospital. I just want to get this test done and over. If I can get out by 1:00 can still bench for AJ, if not I can just watch Eng vs Aus judgement day for Eng who on form should be knocked out. Get the call at 10:00 they want me there at 10:30. I still reassure myself that it will be nothing so drive up by myself. I head towards ward C, not sure if this is the right place, its the ward for acute illnesses. Everyone here is triple my age. The nurses ask who I'm here to visit? I'm checking in.. Other patients stare at me as I'm lead to a bed. I'm too well to be here, I'll be back to normal by next week. I'm sure they think I'm a fraud some hypochondriac looking for attention.The doctor arrives, he looks about 20, spotty and nervous. He explains the bone marrow test. This is going to be unpleasant. I just want to get this done and get out of here. I will need a drink after this, lucky the world cup is on..I assume the position, lieing on my side arse sticking out. At this point I'm glad no one came with me as the is far to much potential for crude jokes, when I get to the pub later will hear them all. 2 doses of atheistic and he is ready to go for real. I don't feel the needle go though the skin, next thing I know the is a Needle on my Spine! I need something to distract me. I start counting squares in the curtains just don't think of the needle. He blunts the needle on my bone. He has to start again... Takes another 2 attempts to get enough of a sample of the bone marrow. He complements me on the strength of my bones, I'm not that happy about it at the moment. Especially as the next needle needs to drill into my Spine. He struggles to break through, feels like he is using a small corkscrew. If counted all the squares I can see and start again.After we are done the pain subsides quickly. The doctor shows me the samples as if I should be proud. Really don't care just want the results. I am to stay at Southmead while waiting. The student nurse who was watching has gone pale. Makes me look quite healthy in comparison, says she thinks I'm really brave. I think about telling her about counting squares but stop myself.I hate hospitals. I want to get out of here and get on with the weekend. Its now 2:00 I was meant have results at 1:00. I start watching Eng vs Aus, not paying much attention now starting to worry about results. 2 doctors return.. One of them clearly senior to the doctor that took the sample. He is looking very sheepish. This is bad.. Curtains are drawn and the news is broken.All I really heard from the conversation was Leukaemia. I can't take in anything else. Its does not sink in, it is still registering. They leave me alone a nurse will be with me in a few minutes. Still takes around another minute to hit me. World has just turned upside down, immediate thoughts are of what I'm losing. I think of all that was going well, all things I was looking forward to. Dubai, Brizzley Bear, Prospects at work, Skiing... everything was going so well. I have so much to lose friends, family, house, CIMA . Its all over..Nurse arrives. Asks if I'm alright. I can just think of what an absurd question this is. I actual half go to laugh then breakdown into tears on her shoulder. In all honesty I don't know much about Leukaemia so what am I crying about. I'm crying because of the fear, all I know is that it can kill me.I'm here on my own, and calm down I am been sent to a specialist unit at he BRI, I need Iain to drive me and need to phone parents. I am trying to pull myself together. I don't want to cry down the phone to either. I go to dial but can't I need more time. How do you tell your parents this??Iain is on his way. I have 20 min to sort myself out. Walking out from behind the curtain I all the old patients stare at me again. They were staring at me questioning why I was here but not because they thought I was some fraud, but because they knew I was in for bad news, they were looks of pity. While I have not fully comprehended the impacts this will have I think I'm ready to start dealing with this. I just need to get past today at the moment. As I'm going to be in hospital for awhile, think of learning a language. The must be something good that can come of this. Underneath I still have the fear.I'm taken to the BRI by taxi while Iain takes my car home and goes to collect changes of clothes for me. I'm told I'll be in the BRI for awhile. I'm lead to a bed at the BRI this still does not seem real. I don't think I believe its happening. Thoughts dwell on the fact I've had a good life, no real hardships, lots of goodtimes, I really can't complain. Before I've even talked to a doctor another patient greats me, I expected everyone in here to look half dead. He looks normal. He seems fairly upbeat. With this I realise that the disease and how I handle it is up to me. I may not have been able to control getting it but the way I respond is up to me. I can sit back and fester or fight it, I have had a good life, I am more than ever grateful for what I've got. But... thats even more reason to fight more. While I'm stuck with this disease but I resolve to come out of this and fight it won't hold me back. How sweet will it feel when I rise above it, how good will my next try for OB's feel, how good will it feel to run out as Brizzley at the memorial, how good will be to be in the bar and drink to the future with friends. I'm not done yet, beating this will just make life that bit sweeter to live. I have everything to fight for.With this I'm ready. I don't want anyones pity, time for sympathy has passed. I've been dealt a crap hand. The first thoughts are always the worse fears. I have looked at the worse that can happen. I may not be able to control much about how this disease effects me but I can do my best to make sure I come out on top. I believe I can beat it.. I have seen someone who is beating it. If the mind believes the rest will follow.Consultants explain what has happened to me at the BRI, blood counts are all extremely low. I have half the oxygen in my blood as I should. White Blood cells are low as well as Platelets. This means my immune system is not working properly and explains so much of why I had not been able to train or play properly over the last 3 weeks. Treatment is needed asap.. As immune system is low they need to keep me in hospital. I will be here around 3 weeks and off work for at least 6 months. Life is on pause but so is so much more to come.With this in mind I can face talking to parents, I feel confident I can reassure them. At the end of the day I am still healthy. I'm fit, young and my resolve is growing. I can beat this. They fly in tomorrow and Helen flys in tonight. Support is arriving and I need it.