Reality Check

I have not slept again. Despite been tired the was no chance of sleep. Last night a man was brought in on Oxygen. One of the side effects of Chemo is your sense of smell is hightened. I smell the man coming before he even entered the room. He stinks of cigarettes..

His lungs are filling up with fluid. Nurses are desperatly trying to help him. He keeps trying to talk despite nurses trying to stop him from doing this. Each time he does this he chokes and takes another 5 min to recover. The choking is spine chilling, he is in trouble.. So far I've seen people at the tough stages of Chemo but not close to the edge. He has come out of Chemo and infection has taken him.

Even with sleeping pills I can't sleep. I try sleeping the the quiet room with no luck. Eventually he is taken to A&E at 5:00am. I ask the nurses if he is ok later in the morning, they can't tell me. But why was this man smoking?? He must have known the effects it could have.. he may not be able to control the leukaemia but smoking he can stop. Its a black and white decision, I don't understand. With this my resolve to get through the disease is strenghened. The stats lie. The stats include those who ignore advice, those who were unfit to start with, those who resign themselves to the worsed. I will do everything I can to be on the right side of these statistics.

I get a surprise visit from Bristol rugby, Andrew Blowers, Ben Sturnham and Geoff Moon pop in. Despite been a big club its good to see that they still value the community and the efforts I have put in at Bristol over the years. I think they are surprised to see that I'm in good spirits. They ask what the club can do for me. Bristol are in a position where this situation can be put to good use. I ask if we could do some kind of promotion for blood transfussions and doner services. I may not have given blood but this would go a long way to making up for it. It will also give me a good destraction to organise this.

Have lost all appite today, and am tired after last night. Visitors come in but I am drained and not much company. I am desperate for a goods night sleep.