Facing Up..

Friday 6th October.

Weekend is here and apart from this flu that I seem to have I'm feeling good, a weekend of watching rugby and a a big night out planned after. If I can will make it to help with mini's training although still feeling a little run down. 2 drinks will probably make me feel better.. On way home & get a call from doctors, a little strange its 8:00 bit late. They say I may need some further tests done tomorrow on my Bone Marrow?? I have some ideas of what this might be, I push to the back of my mind. It can't be that bad.. I played rugby last week although incredibly badly (some might argue I do that every week).

Saturday 7th October.I'm up early, waiting for call from Soutmead Hospital. I just want to get this test done and over. If I can get out by 1:00 can still bench for AJ, if not I can just watch Eng vs Aus judgement day for Eng who on form should be knocked out. Get the call at 10:00 they want me there at 10:30. I still reassure myself that it will be nothing so drive up by myself. I head towards ward C, not sure if this is the right place, its the ward for acute illnesses. Everyone here is triple my age. The nurses ask who I'm here to visit? I'm checking in.. Other patients stare at me as I'm lead to a bed. I'm too well to be here, I'll be back to normal by next week. I'm sure they think I'm a fraud some hypochondriac looking for attention.The doctor arrives, he looks about 20, spotty and nervous. He explains the bone marrow test. This is going to be unpleasant. I just want to get this done and get out of here. I will need a drink after this, lucky the world cup is on..I assume the position, lieing on my side arse sticking out. At this point I'm glad no one came with me as the is far to much potential for crude jokes, when I get to the pub later will hear them all. 2 doses of atheistic and he is ready to go for real. I don't feel the needle go though the skin, next thing I know the is a Needle on my Spine! I need something to distract me. I start counting squares in the curtains just don't think of the needle. He blunts the needle on my bone. He has to start again... Takes another 2 attempts to get enough of a sample of the bone marrow. He complements me on the strength of my bones, I'm not that happy about it at the moment. Especially as the next needle needs to drill into my Spine. He struggles to break through, feels like he is using a small corkscrew. If counted all the squares I can see and start again.After we are done the pain subsides quickly. The doctor shows me the samples as if I should be proud. Really don't care just want the results. I am to stay at Southmead while waiting. The student nurse who was watching has gone pale. Makes me look quite healthy in comparison, says she thinks I'm really brave. I think about telling her about counting squares but stop myself.I hate hospitals. I want to get out of here and get on with the weekend. Its now 2:00 I was meant have results at 1:00. I start watching Eng vs Aus, not paying much attention now starting to worry about results. 2 doctors return.. One of them clearly senior to the doctor that took the sample. He is looking very sheepish. This is bad.. Curtains are drawn and the news is broken.All I really heard from the conversation was Leukaemia. I can't take in anything else. Its does not sink in, it is still registering. They leave me alone a nurse will be with me in a few minutes. Still takes around another minute to hit me. World has just turned upside down, immediate thoughts are of what I'm losing. I think of all that was going well, all things I was looking forward to. Dubai, Brizzley Bear, Prospects at work, Skiing... everything was going so well. I have so much to lose friends, family, house, CIMA . Its all over..Nurse arrives. Asks if I'm alright. I can just think of what an absurd question this is. I actual half go to laugh then breakdown into tears on her shoulder. In all honesty I don't know much about Leukaemia so what am I crying about. I'm crying because of the fear, all I know is that it can kill me.I'm here on my own, and calm down I am been sent to a specialist unit at he BRI, I need Iain to drive me and need to phone parents. I am trying to pull myself together. I don't want to cry down the phone to either. I go to dial but can't I need more time. How do you tell your parents this??Iain is on his way. I have 20 min to sort myself out. Walking out from behind the curtain I all the old patients stare at me again. They were staring at me questioning why I was here but not because they thought I was some fraud, but because they knew I was in for bad news, they were looks of pity. While I have not fully comprehended the impacts this will have I think I'm ready to start dealing with this. I just need to get past today at the moment. As I'm going to be in hospital for awhile, think of learning a language. The must be something good that can come of this. Underneath I still have the fear.I'm taken to the BRI by taxi while Iain takes my car home and goes to collect changes of clothes for me. I'm told I'll be in the BRI for awhile. I'm lead to a bed at the BRI this still does not seem real. I don't think I believe its happening. Thoughts dwell on the fact I've had a good life, no real hardships, lots of goodtimes, I really can't complain. Before I've even talked to a doctor another patient greats me, I expected everyone in here to look half dead. He looks normal. He seems fairly upbeat. With this I realise that the disease and how I handle it is up to me. I may not have been able to control getting it but the way I respond is up to me. I can sit back and fester or fight it, I have had a good life, I am more than ever grateful for what I've got. But... thats even more reason to fight more. While I'm stuck with this disease but I resolve to come out of this and fight it won't hold me back. How sweet will it feel when I rise above it, how good will my next try for OB's feel, how good will it feel to run out as Brizzley at the memorial, how good will be to be in the bar and drink to the future with friends. I'm not done yet, beating this will just make life that bit sweeter to live. I have everything to fight for.With this I'm ready. I don't want anyones pity, time for sympathy has passed. I've been dealt a crap hand. The first thoughts are always the worse fears. I have looked at the worse that can happen. I may not be able to control much about how this disease effects me but I can do my best to make sure I come out on top. I believe I can beat it.. I have seen someone who is beating it. If the mind believes the rest will follow.Consultants explain what has happened to me at the BRI, blood counts are all extremely low. I have half the oxygen in my blood as I should. White Blood cells are low as well as Platelets. This means my immune system is not working properly and explains so much of why I had not been able to train or play properly over the last 3 weeks. Treatment is needed asap.. As immune system is low they need to keep me in hospital. I will be here around 3 weeks and off work for at least 6 months. Life is on pause but so is so much more to come.With this in mind I can face talking to parents, I feel confident I can reassure them. At the end of the day I am still healthy. I'm fit, young and my resolve is growing. I can beat this. They fly in tomorrow and Helen flys in tonight. Support is arriving and I need it.